Do I hate drawing? Or do a hate MY drawings?

Do I hate myself? Or do I hate the people that made me be so harsh on my art?

Even though the subtitle may hint some things about my past, I’m not here to talk about that. Yes, I did have toxic friends that made fun of my drawings and that affected me. But now I’m a grown up. And grown ups handle their scars, they don’t use them as excuses to keep avoiding maturity.

I have something I can only describe as dysmorphia when it comes to my drawings. I find them hideous, what makes the drawing experience painful for me. It doesn’t really matter if my drawings are or aren’t “good”. If I am or not comparing myself to other artists. At this point the causes don’t matter anymore. I know them well. I should practice to get better either way, right? That’s the solution. Then why every time I stare at the blank paper NOTHING happens?

True, my main goal is telling stories, not necessarily draw them. I should chose my battles. But at the same time, the idea of mastering drawing is so appealing to me. I get so inspired watching people paint, and then I get a piece of paper and the process part is so scruciating. Beginning with the fact that I get stuck on “what should I draw?”. References don’t work, observation drawings are boring, I don’t feel like drawing anything!!! Then why should I? And I give up and start crocheting.

I’ve been trying, for years now, to include the habit of drawing daily, even if it is just a few scribbles. The goal is not that ambitious, and it shouldn’t take a lot of time. Just 30 minutes per day would do. Do I do it? No, I don’t. Why? It doesn’t really matter. Anything I say would just be excuses.

The best thing I can do is try to fix that daily. Of course I acknowledge the scars in me, my insecurities, and I try to be comprehensive of why I am like this. But that doesn’t exclude the fact that I need to change. So even though I understand, I also insist. And sometimes that’s all we can do.

Einstein said that “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” … but I guess he wasn’t thinking about the act of practicing an ability.

So I’ll just listen to Willem Dafoe instead, and let’s see where that will take me.